Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
One who run in front of car get tired. One who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish Man give wife grand piano, wise Man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk thru airport turn stile sideways going to Bangkok.
A One with one chop stick go hungry.
One who scratches ass should not bite finger nails.
One who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, Man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
One who drive like hell bound to get there.
One who stand on toilet is high on pot.
One who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
One who farts in church sits in own pew.
Naked one who lie in wheat field in risk of being reaped.
One who cooks carrots and pees in same pot not sanitary.
Man who loses key to mistresses apartment get no noo-kie.
Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
Man with two watches not know what time it is.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Horse who can't talk maybe just can't spell.
Never argue with a fool...he may be doing the same thing.
Huge land mammal who doesn't matter is irrelephant.
Pregnant mare often guilty of horsing around.
Anyone who actually wants to be President is mentally unfit to hold the office.
he who lives in stone house should not throw glasses.
he who sneeze without tissue, take matter into own hands.
never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Those that know don't have to show...Those that don't know are a side-show.
Men have more hair on chest than woman but women have more on the whole.
When words fail, a boot to the ass may be sufficient...
feminist who fly upside down... have crack up
Feminism........Braless women trying to play hymns without an organ.
A Penis is the only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
A relationship is the opportunity to do something you hate with someone you love.
The inventor of shag carpet made a big pile.
Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right
A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.
The Opera is the only place where a guy gets stabbed and instead of bleeding, he sings.
A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.
An Optimist is a girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.
A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open-minded.
Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea how she'll be in bed.
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.
It's ok to let a fool kiss you, but don't let a kiss fool you.
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it
Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds.
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.
Mother's Day comes nine months after father's day.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you're done.
Killing two birds with one stone often ends with hate mail from the humane society.
The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.
To make a long story short, don't tell it.
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.
A giraffe's family reunion is called necks of kin.
A man is only as faithful as his options.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
The best way to keep your word is not to give it.
A man's last will and testament is a dead give away.
When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bad singers break into song because they can't find the key.
The wise speak when they have something to say, the fools speak when they have to say something.
If you worry about yesterday's failures, today's successes will be few.
A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.
An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.
When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves.
The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty.
Artificial Insemination is procreation without recreation.
The useless skin around a penis is called a man.
Pubic hair is just organic dental floss.
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
A single fact can ruin a good argument.
An Arch Criminal is one who robs shoe stores.
The best way for university student to turn their life completely around is to get 90 degrees.
The worst thing about oral sex is the view
An old gravedigger is called an Elderberry
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y'all
A Greek tampon is called Abzorba the Leak.
Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut.
Well done is better than well said.
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.
New York manufacturer of gentlemen's headwear is called Manhatten.
Homosexuals don't play chess because they don't want to sacrifice a Queen.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69.
A vagina is like a very small hotel. One must leave his bag outside.
A Platonic Relationship develops after two good friends are tired of screwing each other.
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of standing cock.
Man with one foot on 'yesterday' and one foot on 'tomorrow' will end up pissing on 'today'.
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy
When one man rub lotion on another man, it is called Men-Gay.
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, doesn't know if he's coming or going.
If a Bulldog and a Shitsu were mated, it would be called a bullshit.
A Jamaican proctologist is called Pokemon.
Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.
Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Man who mixes Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.
Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.
The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks.
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.
A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
If woman meets a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift, she should exchange him.
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.
A humorous question on an exam is called Testicle.
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, and you lose interest.
To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house.
Man with a lisp will walk with Lymph.
Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.
At a nudist wedding, you don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.
A Church's bills are always Due unto others
Egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called Sperm Wail.
Prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash.
For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.
Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller
The only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place.
A vigorous masturbation session is called Hand to Gland Combat.
An airplane girl is a blonde who has a black box
Gay dinosaur is called Mega-sor-ass.
A flying saucer will appear when a nudist spills his coffee
To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.
A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.
Always wear Stealth condoms...they'll never see you coming.
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
Amish woman's secret fantasy is two Mennonite.
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.
A butler with no teeth is called an indentured servant.
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a booby trap.
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.
If You look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.
You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, I have that font.
Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.
Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you.
Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.
To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.
An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque
The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the Circumvent.
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.
Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.
Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will Abdicate.
Man who is impotent will have Willy-nilly.
Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is Negligent
When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
Gay man in Chinese restaurant will order sum yung guy.
The difference between pink and purple, is your grip.
The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness.
Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a rise.
A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.
Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.
12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi
Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones.
Police may arrest dyke, and charge her with male fraud.
Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.
Learn to masturbate--come in handy.
People are like teabags - you don't know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.
Pedophiles love Halloween because of Free home delivery.
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.
If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action.
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily plumber.
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.
Those who say they sleep like a baby haven't got one.
The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax.
The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.
It's not what you wear, it's how you take it off.
Taliban's national bird is duck
Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone, both look out window and see Rubble
An Impotent Loser is one who can't even get his hopes up.
Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy. Ask waitress for application.
Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.
Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan.
Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy much alike. Both can smell it, but they can't eat it.
Food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is un-pallet-able.
It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm.
Dry cleaner who is in a hurry for a date, will be pressed for time.
When Indian Chief Shortcake died, squaw bury Shortcake
The difference between wives and husbands is, Wives want to videotape the birth of their child. Husbands want to videotape the conception.
Man who checks out woman's package, doesn't always work for UPS.
Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.
Dalmatians can't play hide and seek, because they are always spotted.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
The toilet of the Star Ship Enterprise contains 'the captains log'.
The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement.
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.
An 'Airplane Blonde' is one who has bleached her hair but still has a 'black box'.
One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.
Part-time bandleaders should be called 'semi-conductors'.
The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying.
Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.
Heat must travel faster than cold because; it is easy to catch a cold.
If men had breasts, they would wear off the pockets of their shirts.
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.
A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is
Viagra is like Disneyland... a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Man who pamper his cow, will get spoiled milk
Never cut the rope that can be simply untied.
If you do not wish to get to the point, never play leap frog with a unicorn.
The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef.
A fool and his money are soon partners.
All's fear in love and war.
Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury
Ulcers aren't the result of what you eat. You get ulcers from what's eating you.
Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money.
Newscaster who reports hurricanes, knows how to talk up a storm.
Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued.
When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Woman who fall in love with elevator operator, usually get the shaft.
The only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back, is a police horse.
An optimist is a man who hasn't had many experiences yet.
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.
To ignore the facts, does not change the facts.
Woman who dates gambler, gets cheated on.
Girl who go on fishing trip with 6 men, come back with red snapper.
A woman will be Queen of the sewers, if she has accessible manhole.
If a soda can goes to college, it will take fizz ed.
Prisoner who paints in jail, will have brush with the law.
Men are like fish... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.
Geometry teacher who loses parrot, will have polygon.
Woman who dates trash collector, will get dumped.
Company who make women's vibrators is called, Genital Electric.
Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is called, 'Stroke of Genius'.
If all women's lib activists were laid end to end, it would be the best thing for them.
Independent porno movie producers should form new company called, 21st Century-Fux
Nurse who goes missing at beach, can be found under the doc.
Gay Australian man will leave his wife and return to Sydney.
Man who try doggie style sex, won't want to face his wife again.
Student who study history, will find there is no future in it.
Man who work all day for a pool maintenance company, will feel drained.
Epileptic lettuce farmer makes Seizure Salad.
If the washroom upstairs is occupied, there is a hypotenuse.
The only one whose troubles are behind him, is a school bus driver.
Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.
The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee.
Alarm clock is something that makes people rise and whine.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Argument between pharmacist and a patient is called a pill owe fight
Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn't had a suit.
Many arguments have two sides, but no end.
The best defense against rape, is to beat off the attacker.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Cinderella would be bad at football. Her coach was a pumpkin.
When TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.
Miners with illuminated helmets, will feel lightheaded.
A man can keep his youth, by giving her money, furs and diamonds.
The best way to slow a runaway horse, is to bet on it.
Getting sick at the airport, could be a terminal illness.
Blondes have more fun because they are easier to amuse.
Undertakers are nice - they're the last to let people down.
Self-centered trumpet player, likes to toot his own horn.
Jokes become a father, when the punch line becomes apparent.
A person will never tell a lie, if the truth will do more damage.
Best way to make wife's panties wet every day, is to do the laundry.
Balloon factory will go out of business if it can't keep up with inflation.
Man who start crystal ball factory, bound to make a fortune.
There is no future in writing a history book
The difference between a lawyer and a chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.
Men in a singles bar have one thing in common...they're all married.
Migration is the headache birds get when they fly South for the winter.
Lady who goes down first time out, is called Titanic
Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.
I ask wife for light lunch. She serve fireflies.
Crossing dinosaur with a pig, will make Jurassic Pork.
An Australian Kiss is similar to French Kiss, but given down under.
Man who mix poison ivy with four-leaf clover, have rash of good luck.
Prostitute with her hand in her panties is self employed.
Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute.
Some fishermen catch their fish by the tale.
Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher.
A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.
Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler
If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.
An Impotent Loser is a man who can't even get his hopes up.
A handkerchief should be called Cold storage.
Sex is like vacation....it never lasts long enough.
Never tell a one-legged hitchhiker to hop in.
Women are like convertibles. They're both more fun with their top down.
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.
Woman who loses wedding ring in kitchen, should remove her drawers
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your children.
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
When things go wrong, don't go with them.
A speech is like a bicycle wheel...the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.
It is impossible to sling mud with clean hands.
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.
Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.
Man who has nothing to say, should say nothing.
In prison, best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar
A good life is like toilet paper... Long and useful.
Basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower
The perfect gift for man who has everything, is a burglar alarm
Christmas trees are like priests...Their balls are just for decoration.
Half of a large intestine is equal to one semicolon
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...after a mediocre summer
It is better to give than receive- especially advice.
Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.
Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man are very much alike...
both get to smell the goods, but neither one can eat it.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
An optimist is a person who doesn't understand the enormity of the problem.
Van Gogh was a painter because he didn't have an ear for music.
Banker who sits in freezer, will have frozen assets.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
Only a bachelor may be a fool and not know it.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Woman who wear something from Victoria's Secret, have no more secrets.
A 400 pound lady, who likes both men and women, is a bisexual built for two.
Husbands are like fires...they go out when left unattended.
Character is like a fence...it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.
Woman who gives away free potato chips, will offer you a free Lay.
It's better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.
Surgeon who make mistake, forced to take a cut in salary
A virgin, sleeping on a waterbed is called 'cherry float'.
Blowing into a blonde's ear is called Data transfer
Man with head up ass, can't see for shit.
A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink and be Mary
A gay man with diarrhea is called juicy fruit!
Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.
Show off always shown up in showdown.
He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth
A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.
Look for helping hand on end of own arm.
Marriages are made in Heaven...So are thunder & lightning.
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent
A wise man makes sure that his wife's birthday cake is short one candle.
Jamaican proctologist is called Pok-e-mon
An egotist is a person more interested in himself, than in me.
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If man doesn't try different sex with one women, he shall try one sex with different women.
Real Estate People are a vacant lot.
Patience is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Man with hand in pocket is all ways on the ball
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.
Man with poor vision can date anyone.
Man who put head it fruit drink, get punch in nose.
Man who put cream in tart is not necessarily baker.
An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
He who thinks only of number one, must remember, it is next to nothing
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane.
Women are like Lawn Mowers...If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
hole happy, whole body happy
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.
When Einstein stared at his cousin's boobs, he discovered 'Theory of Relative Titty'.
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.
Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.
Dirty hands make your nose itch.
Men are like cement after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Honor your personality flaws, for without them, you would have no personality at all.
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit and not nearly as gratifying.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Forgetful cow gives Milk of Amnesia!
Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife that a fur coat will make her look fat.
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.
If you girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant.
Winnie The Pooh will get angry if you stick your finger in his honey.
A man who cries while he masturbates is a real tearjerker.
The only way you can you get AIDS from a toilet seat
Early to bed, and early to rise, makes a man healthy and a social loser.
Vegetarian is an Indian word meaning, lousy hunter.
Every Amish woman's private fantasy is two Mennonite.
Faster, Harder, Deeper is not the motto of the Olympics.
If you can't be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.
A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.
Religeous woman with hole in pocket, feel holy all day.
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.
Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Man who throw a cat out car window, makes kitty litter.
A virgin on waterbed is called a cherry float.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with hard problem usually give it to woman.
Wise man buy prunesget good run for money
Man who comes into money, have sticky financial situation.
A Rental Car is the only true all-terrain vehicle.
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief!
Woman like dollar bill; hard to pickup, and worth effort.
Question Authority and the Authorities will question You.
Always wear camouflage condoms: They won't see you coming.
Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir soup
Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan
If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.
The greatest of all faults, is to be aware of none.
No time for your health today; no health for your time tomorrow.
Karaoke is a Chinese word meaning tone deaf.
Oral sex makes one's day, and anal sex makes one's hole weak.
If someone calls you fat, don't get angry just turn the other chin.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.
Man who says he knows how to control a wife is called a bachelor.
It's OK for Schoolboy to masturbate, as long as it's not against his Principal.
The very first doctor of dermatology, had to start from scratch.
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you're in a public restroom.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
New wives are like computersthey go down unexpectedly.
Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring.
He who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
People having gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
First breathe of love is the last breath of wisdom.
The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces.
Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there.
Man who kisses girl's behind, get a crack in the face.
Man who learn to masturbate come in handy.
Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.
There is one thing that all smart asses have in common Wise Cracks
Some people are like blisters. They don't show up until the work is done.
Tact is the unsaid part of what you're thinking.
Dog may be man's best friend, and pussy not far behind.
Man in bathroom with tool in hand is not necessarily a plumber.
Man who fall into an upholstery machine, eventually be fully recovered.
Women are like rocksWe skip the flat ones.
People who say they never fart, are full of hot air.
Happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling.
Putting teenager in prison, won't stop his face from breaking out.
Love everybody, not every body.
If wise man marry, he become otherwise.
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
Don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be.
It's ok to look back at the past. Just don't stare at it.
If you don't want anyone to get your goat, don't let them know where you have it tied.
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Beauty is only a light switch away.
He who sleep on bed of nails, is indeed a holy man.
Man who has money to burn, makes an ash of himself.
Man have more hair on chest than woman, and on the whole woman have more.
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.
Man who sucks nipples, make clean breast of things.
Girl who slides down bannister, makes monkey shine.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
He who refuses to listen, is lying.
Man who dates dynamite lady, gets big bang out of her.
He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
If you want a committed man, look in mental hospital!
He who eats crackers in bed, get crummy sleep.
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.
Man who pulls on woman's bra-strap, may get bust in mouth.
To make egg roll, push it.
Chemist who fall in acid, get absorbed in work.
Girl's best asset is her `lie' ability.
He who eats ice cream in car, is a Sundae Driver
He who stick head in open window, gets pane in neck.
Man who sucks nipples makes clean breast of things.
Virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.
Army like blow job, closer to discharge you get, the better it feels
Woman who dance while wearing a jockstrap have make believe ballroom.
Man who smoke pot, choke on handle.
Sailor who gets discharged from navy, leave buddies behind.
Man who make love to cash register, come into money.
Man who fondle girl having period, get caught red handed.
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.
He who sniffs coke, gets ice cube up nose.
Woman who springs on inner spring this spring gets offspring next spring.
Sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.
Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine.
Man who masturbate only screwing himself.
Man who do business in whore house , get jerked around
House without toilet is uncanny.
'Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.
He who light the fuse of love, get big bang.
'Tis better to have loved a short woman than to have never loved a tall
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn
Woman who marry detective must kiss dick.
Woman who is wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink
Men and spray paint alike One squeeze and they're all over you.
The best way to save face to keep the lower part shut
Men are like Lava lamps. Fun to look at, and not all that bright.
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, and better for boy to park meat in girl.
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
Man who lay woman on ground, get Peace on earth.
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser.
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants !
Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk!
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Girl who has sex in Egyptian tomb may soon become mummy
Woman is like jazz music---3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
He who eat ice cream in car is a Sundae Driver.
Cows without legs are ground beef
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.
Woman who is in love with priest will chase him through church and grab him by the organ
Economy will go up and down when country is run by yo-yo's
Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her
Chinese couple who have white baby, name it Sum Ting Wong
Lady who slide down bannister,get slivers by cracky!
Man who date flat chested woman will be feeling low
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
Man who let woman on top, will screw up
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Sexy typist will bang on keyboard!
Sumo Wrestling is survival of the fattest.
'tis better to sleep with old hen, than pullet
Many men bite , but Fu Man Chu
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crack up
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
It takes many nails to build crib, and only one screw to fill it.
Man who live in glass house should change in basement.
Man who run behind car get exhausted
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who sleep in cat house by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people.
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Boy who go to bed with sexual problem
Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.
Act yourself into a new way of thinking. Think yourself into a new way of acting.
"Fake it 'til you make it."
Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.
Fear not that your life will someday end. Fear only that you do nothing with it.
Fear is the prison of the heart.
Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the conquest of it.
You don't face your fears, you stand up to them.
After all this is over, all that will really have mattered is how we treated each other.
It isn't the mountains ahead that wear you out, it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
Pace yourself...an elephant can be swallowed, one bite at a time.
Don't be afraid to take one large step because you can't cross a chasm in two small leaps.p>
One generation plants trees, and the next enjoys the shade.
If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it.
A man is too apt to forget that in this world he cannot have everything. A choice is all that is left to him.
Better bend than break.
Why not upset the apple cart? If you don't, the apples will rot anyway.
There is never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
Fail to plan, plan to fail.
A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
Don't expect to find life worth living; make it that way.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without.
Love requires no map or chart. You only need an open heart.
Some love lasts a lifetime. True love lasts forever.
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Within you I lose myself Without you I find myself Wanting to be lost again.
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
The purpose of government is to do for the people what the people cannot do for themselves.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!
Life is a mystery to be lived... Not a problem to be solved.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Don't give up when you still have something to give.
If love is great, and there are no greater things, then what I feel for you must be the greatest.
To worry is like rocking in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but gets you nowhere.
Time wounds all heels.
Mind over Matter, If you don't mind it don't matter.
A happy man marries the girl he loves, But a happier man loves the girl he marries.
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
If you're not outraged, you're NOT paying attention.
No man is worth your tears and if he is he will never make you cry.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The Three Holiest words You can ever say to Your girl/man......I Love You.
Love is what makes the world go round....
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Old men declare war. But it is youth that must fight and die.
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them.
Finding out what goes on in the CIA is like performing acupuncture on a rock.
So the voters have spoken, the bastards.
Lord, give me the strength to deal with the people who are going to piss me off today.
If the mind were exercised as much as the mouth, we would be a race of geniuses.
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
Well, it is quite arguable that the creation of a universe is the act of someone who shouldn't be allowed to handle firearms and sharp objects.
Faith (noun): That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Junk is something you keep for years then throw away two weeks before you need it.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel Trap -Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
When everything's coming your way, you're either in Grace or the wrong lane.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is original research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, and then again, neither does milk.
Excuses are like asses. everyone's got em and they all stink.
The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me?
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
No one dies a virgin, life screws us all.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be overjoyed.
Does the career advice, Come early on your first day apply in the porn business?
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy? A family reunion.
A teacher is a person who used to think he liked children.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is a husband!
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled.
Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one gets full first.
Good sex can correct poor posture or at least make it stand up straight.
I have amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!
If at first you don't succeed you're doing about average.
My new health club is so fancy, they have a spiral StairMaster.
Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.
The future is that time when you'll wish you'd done what you aren't doing now.
When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes unwiped.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
Sex burns up 350 calories each time. Please help me, I'm on a diet.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Rented cars are the only true all terrain vehicles.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
The secret to getting rid of unwanted pubic hair is to spit.
Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, For fast relief.
It is better to light just one candle than to clean the whole apartment.
Not only did my ex-wife drive me crazy, she made me pay for the gas.
Some women are terribly hard to please the rest are impossible!
At the mall I saw a kid on a leash. I think if I ever have a kid, it's gonna be cordless.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference.
They say it is better to give than to receive. I say it depends on the gift.
My wife is so skinny, she can tread water in a garden hose.
I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $450,000 a week.
Legalize maru...mawa...moua...mawo...ummm...Pot.
They say that hard work never killed anybody, and did you ever know anyone who rested to death?
My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.
If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
Remember I before E, except in Budweiser.
Men are like roses. Watch out for the pricks.
Practice makes perfect... and if nobody's perfect, why practice?
Do you ever get the feeling that your stuff has strutted without you?
Bachelors know more about women than married men, that's why they not married.
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
God created man before woman... and there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Before you open your mouth to speak, make sure it's an improvement upon the silence.
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
There is nothing wrong with California that the San Andreas fault cannot cure.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Love Is Like A Rash. It Only Feels Good If You Get To Scratch It.
I'm an expert at multitasking. I can cheat on six diets at the same time!
Ladies, when you're climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your dress!
My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil
Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.
I've cured myself of smoking in bed. I bought a water bed and filled it with gasoline.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Why is it, when you're rich, it's eccentric; when you're poor, it's just strange.
Are the good things that come to those who wait really just leftovers from people who got there first?
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
If the minimum wage weren't acceptable, it wouldn't be called the minimum.
If you can remain calm at my job, you just don't have all the facts.
My sister is so ugly, she could make Ray Charles flinch.
I'm a procrastinator. I didn't get my birthmark until I was eight years old.
My sister is so fat, she could jump up in the air and get stuck.
It would save me a lot of time if my supermarket had an aisle marked unhealthy crap.
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
Misers aren't fun to live with, and they make wonderful ancestors.
When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, Give me a table near a waiter.
A horse may be coaxed to drink, and a pencil must be lead.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Excuse me for driving so closely in front of you.
Despite the saying, Don't take your troubles to bed, many men still sleep with their wives!
The only way to have safe sex is to abstain... from drinking.
Senior Moments are like vitamins; everyone gets one a day.
The real reason women live longer than men because they don't have to live with women.
My wife went shopping for feminine protection. She decided on a thirty eight revolver.
I finally quit smoking by using the patch. I put six of them over my mouth.
No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway.
Vanna White has been very sick. She hasn't had a vowel movement since Thursday.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
I'm in therapy now. I used to be in denial, which is a lot cheaper.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
I responded to my girlfriend's marriage proposal by saying, You're What?!
Birds of a feather flock together...then crap on your car.
I started seeing a therapist. She didn't know I was seeing her. That was kinda fun.
Some girls don't just choose a boyfriend, they pick him.....to pieces.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
Love is like a machine...sometimes you need a good screw to fix it!
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
You know you're getting older when happy hour is a nap.
Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
To err is human...and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
If you're in hell with someone, and you're still mad at them, where do you tell them to go?
Men must have invented maps. Who else would make an inch into a mile?
There are more men than women in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
My wife is so bored with sex, she only moans during commercial breaks.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
'Sarchasm' is he gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Boy am I tired. On the way in here, I felt something touching my heels. It was my ass!
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
He told me he could eat a 32-ounce steak, and I found that hard to swallow.
When we went to Las Vegas, I told my wife I wanted to gamble, and she said. No Dice.
My penmanship is certainly nothing to write home about.
At rifle competitions, the best team always wins by a long shot.
As I was wheeled into the operating room, I was beginning to have a change of heart.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
A clean house indicates that there is a broken computer in it.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
There are no new sins ... the old ones are just get more publicity.
I couldn't decide which of two physicians to see. It was a paradox.
It's true I don't like soap, and you don't have to rub it in my face!
Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
You ever notice that the word 'engaged' has the word 'gag' in the middle of it?
Are golf balls as painful as athlete's foot?
People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable TV.
I think I've got furniture disease... that's when your chest falls into your drawers!
Be naughty next year. Save Santa the trip.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ?
I just got the bill for my surgery. Now I know why those doctors were wearing masks.
I used to work in a blanket factory, then it folded.
People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, If you build it, they will come.
Live every day as if it were your last, because some day you'll be right
Go on. Add some variety to your sex life...Use the other hand!
I'm a philosophy major. That means I can think deep thoughts about being unemployed.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes jobs, he still ends up with the same boss.
I'm so lonely, my own tongue is starting to feel good in my mouth.
A young hooker uses Vaseline to get it in...an old one uses PolyGrip to keep it in.
Being miserable because of a former relationship means that the other person was right about you.
No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
It is no longer politically correct to say Lesbian. They are now called Vagitarians.
Every man should marry. After all, happiness isn't the only thing in life.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
Cell phones are also the only thing about which men sit around and brag who's got the smallest.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'
Did you ask me to hold on? Ok, and my Mom says it's a dirty habit!
They say that love is the answer, and sex raises some pretty good questions.
I tried to go see a pirate movie, and they wouldn't let me in. It was rated Arrrrrr!
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
I try to take one day at a time, and sometimes several days attack me at once.
How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.
I must be getting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.
My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Drinking makes me see double and feel single.
I don't really like cocaine...I just like the way it smells.
I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.
How important does a man have to be before he's considered assassinated instead of just murdered ?
Scientists have discovered a food that lowers a woman's sex drive by 90 percent...wedding cake.
There are only two times when I drink...when I'm alone or when I'm with someone.
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
I tried sniffing Coke once, and the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
Making love is great, and sometimes don't you just wanna get laid?
The survival of the fittest is going to make some guy awful lonesome some day.
Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
Jell-O is just Kool-Aid with a hard-on.
How many roads must a man travel down...before he admits he is lost.
Young men may exaggerate, and old men pretend.
I just found out that I'm going to be a father...how will I ever tell my wife?
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
My wife is mad at me. I told her she had a run in her nylons, and she wasn't wearing any.
Those penis enlargement pills you took must be working. You're a bigger dick now than you were last week.
When I was a kid, I had so many pimples, blind people would try to read my face.
My complexion is so bad, I look like the goalie for a dart team.
College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Never get into fist fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate @ss holes.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.
Take the mystery out of driving....use your turn signal.
Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, and it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
In poker, a good deal depends on a good deal.
A golf course is a site to be holed!
Whenever I feel blue...I start breathing again.
Love is complicated machinery and sometimes all you need is a good screw to fix it.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I'm not a complete idiot - parts of me are missing!
Don't worry about what people think of you, they don't do it very often.
Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.
Visa is everywhere you want to be...except out of debt.
I have never killed a man, and I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Anyone who starts a sentence With all due respect... is about to insult you.
One woman's hobby may be another woman's hubby.
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
It's scary when, in the morning, you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.
I think I've reached my sexpiration date.
My wife says my lovemaking is like a news bulletin. Brief, unexpected and usually a disaster.
Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Money can't buy you happiness, and it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
When I was young we used to go skinny dipping. Nowadays I just chunky dunk.
You say you want oral sex? Sure. Go home and phone me.
There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.
Love is one long sweet dream...and marriage is the alarm clock.
I must be getting old. About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, For fast relief.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
I was living life in the fast lane...then I married a speed bump.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
If you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
Remember it's I before E, except in Budweiser.
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
It's hard to be fit as a fiddle, when you're shaped like a cello.
A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, and never both.
I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
Don't let aging get you down...It's too hard to get back up!
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
I may be getting older, and I've still got it. But lately, nobody wants to see it.
I respect the truth too much to drag it out on every occasion.
Why are they called tamp-ons and not tamp-ins?
If men are so competent, how come you always see signs reading DANGER - MEN WORKING ?
There are two sides to every argument, and I don't have time to listen to yours.
Today's program is brought to you by Oil of Olé, the favorite oil of Spanish bull fighters.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty are XL.
Show me Miss Piggy's laundry and I'll show you a lot of hogwash.
My Uncle finally quit smoking. It was a beautiful service.
I've got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date.
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Men don't know the meaning of fear. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F
Those small bumps around a womans' nipples is Braille for suck here.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
She's so fat, she'd have to lose 40 pounds just to go skinny dipping.
How am I? If I were any better, I'd be twins.
The truth is like ice water, it shocks you when it hits you, and no one's ever died from it.
You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
Remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll? I think it was called 'Rumpled Foreskin'
Seek, and you shall be disappointed.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
I'm not saying she's fat, and when I pulled her pants down to her knees, her ass was still in them
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
When I die, bury me on my stomach and let the world kiss my ass.
I don't think, therefore I am not.
I'm not saying that I'm losing my sex drive, and at my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
I have a lot of issues with sex... mostly Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler.
Bad breath is better than no breath at all.
Many great discoveries are made by not following instructions.
Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.
Guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
I have kleptomania, and when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.
Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
Nothing written in fine print is ever good news.
I'm so horny, I get aroused when I squeeze into a tight parking place.
Why is it, that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
A pessimist is someone who complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
Abandoning my search for truth, I am now looking for a good fantasy.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on How To?
Some do Jenny Craig, Some do Richard Simmons...I do Sara Lee.
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Why is Wednesday called Hump Day when most people get laid on the weekends?
So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner.
I may be a bitch, but I am the pick of the litter.
No one ever says, It's only a game when their team is winning.
I bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only 8 minutes.
If having sex is like riding a bike, I must own a uni-cycle.
Even on the most exalted throne, you are still sitting on nothing but your ass.
It's easy to find Orgasm in the dictionary. It's between Foreplay and Snoring.
You've never been truly drunk until you've had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
I don't know how to fry toilet paper, and I can brown it on one side.
I'd be rich if I could invent a pop-top beer can that wives can't hear open.
Some folks are so eager to find fault, you'd think there's a reward.
I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.
I like my sex the way I like basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
I'm such a terrible lover, I've actually given a woman an anti-climax.
Love doesn't really make the world go round, and it makes the ride worthwhile.
It's good to question authority, and not mine.
Age is just a number and mine is un-listed.
If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade, would it go both ways?
Smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Some people are discovered, others are found out.
I either want less corruption or more chances to participate in it.
If you can't beat your computer at chess, beat it at kickboxing.
The old make the rules, the young make up the exceptions.
If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time windows crashed... Oh, wait... he does!
Therapy is expensive, bubble wrap is cheap...you choose.
I'm not saying you're lazy, and you should try out for American Idle.
To err is human, to forgive is highly unlikely.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.
Women and tax forms have a lot in common...Men love to cheat on them.
Women are like Angels . . . always up in the air and harping about something.
There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.
Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.
They Say That Alcohol Kills Slowly... So What? Who's In A Hurry?
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet...he said postage dew.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
I saw a woman with the word 'Guess' on her t-shirt, I said, implants?
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
I wish my mouth had a backspace key.
Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Big cats can be dangerous, and a little pussy never hurt anybody.
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Love your enemies...just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.
It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
When they say instant credit, don't they actually mean instant debt?
I'm not completely useless. At the least I can set a bad example.
I saw a bald eagle the other day. All of its feathers were combed over to one side.
Sometimes I just can't prevent clean thoughts from entering my mind.
I work for a living, I don't live for working.
My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my wife's personality.
I'm not saying she's ugly, and if she was cast as Lady Godiva, the horse would steal the show.
I'd like to leave you with one thought, and I'm not sure you have a place to put it.
I know that you're nobody's fool, and maybe someone will adopt you.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
When life seems like an uphill climb, take comfort in the fact that you're mooning everyone behind you.
Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, while others only gargle.
If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.
I invented a substance that can eat through anything, and I can't find a place to store it
Some people's brains are like the prison system...not enough cells per person.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, and I couldn't find any.
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.
When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.
People with dogs are too cowardly to bite for themselves.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
People don't waste time. They just spend it on things they don't need.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
Too many couples marry for better or for worse, and not for good.
When I was a kid, I fell into an upholstery machine...now I'm fully recovered.
Quitters never win, winners never quit. But those who never win and never quit are idiots.
At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I did NOT commit.
When my wife saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do so for you.
I had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.
Never do today that which will become someone else's responsibility tomorrow.
Marriage is a mutual relationship as long as both parties know when to be mute.
Divorce is like Espresso, expensive and bitter.
If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
I am not honking because I love Jesus - I'm honking 'cause you can't drive
I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.
Behind every great man is a puzzled woman.
The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.
For as long as I can remember I've had amnesia.
I was high on life, and eventually I built up a tolerance.
Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
Some people bring happiness wherever they go; others bring happiness whenever they go.
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman. Before marriage and after marriage
Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.
A walrus is like Tupperware...they both like a tight seal.
I'm not saying she's a tramp, and her idea of safe sex is to lock the car doors.
The wise man puts all his eggs in one basket and watches the basket.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until ALL the birds have gone South for the Winter.
My marriage turned out to be a rest period between romances.
Can an orphan eat at a family restaurant ?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.
I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I told my wife that I'd like some variety in my sex life. She told me to use my other hand.
My wife signed my up for a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I may not be totally perfect, but some parts are pretty good.
My wife wanted to renew our vows. I told her I don't want to make the same mistake twice.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: I'm cheap!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. An onion a day should take care of everyone else.
Line dancing. See what happens when cousins breed?
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Our #1 problem is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything...and don't quote me!
It's not what you wear; it's how you take it off.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
The only problem with being best man at a wedding is you never get a chance to prove it!
Life is a shit sandwich and on bad days you get no bread.
I know I'm getting old... last year my insurance company sent me half a calendar.
Together we can lick pornography.
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
Love may not make the world go round, but it sure makes you dizzy.
Women are the kind of problem I don't mind wrestling with.
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
I tried Flintstone vitamins. I didn't feel any better, but I could stop the car with my feet.
If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten.
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
Never argue with an idiot - folks might not be able to tell the difference.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
My wife not only fakes orgasms, she fakes cooking & housekeeping too.
I am not going bald... I'm getting more head.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Do unto others... then bill them for it.
I find that planning my future saves me from regretting my past.
I don't hate my ex-wife...I worship the quicksand she walks in.
My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Insanity is taking toll. Please use exact change.
Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision?
My wife and I were happy for twenty years...Then we met.
Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna really did have a first name.
Sex is not a answer. Sex is a question. Yes is the answer
My wife dresses to kill. Too bad she cooks the same way.
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
Yeah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
If you can buy a person's friendship, it is not worth it.
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
I'm cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
A day without sunshine is like night.
Some do Jenny Craig, Some do Richard Simmons...I do Sara Lee
I don't get even, I get older.
Why is it called after dark when it really is after light?
I'm not fat, I am a nutritional overachiever.
Do deaf gynecologists read lips?
I hate cooking so much, I don't even butter my bread.
I have a devoted wife who lets me give it to her both ways...Cash or Credit.
My wife came home one day and said, Look honey, I lost 15 pounds.
I said, If you look behind you, you'll find it.
A lie has no legs to stand on, but it gets places.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Some people just don't know how to drive: I call these people, everybody but me
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
Do women's breasts really swell in the summertime, or is it just me?
We don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Don't you just love nature, despite what it did to you?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
I don't care if my wife leaves me...just so long as she leaves me enough.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Experience: what you get when you don't get what you want.
How much Healthy Choice Ice Cream can I eat before its no longer a healthy choice?
False hope is better than no hope at all.
Everybody is ignorant, just on different subjects.
Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you lay the blame.
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of the kids would you like?
My hometown is so tough; gun shops have Back to School sales.
Anyone who starts a sentence With all due respect... is about to insult you.
Did you ever notice that there are more horses' asses in the world than there are horses.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
If life hands you lemons... stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
I am at one with my duality.
If only closed minds came with closed mouths.
The average person thinks he isn't.
Never mistake motion for action.
Never argue with your wife. Just dicker.
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Birthdays only come once a year...aren't you glad you're not a birthday?
Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Take the mystery out of driving. Use your turn signal.
To be successful at fishing, you should get there yesterday, when the fish were biting.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
I have a stepladder. It's a very nice stepladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
My wife told me that I have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
Sometimes I think that this world is another planet's Hell.
Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back?
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
To err is human, to forgive is highly unlikely.
If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?
Life's a buffet ... so eat me!
Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.
Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you from enjoying it.
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I love eating GRITS...Girls Raised In The South
I'm busier than Michael Jackson in a day care center.
For every person with a spark of genius, there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
If you laid every woman of earth end to end... you'd probably have a really sore penis.
Golf has more rules than any other game, because golf has more cheaters than any other game.
If a bi-sexual were to turn up missing, would they put his picture on a carton of Half & Half?
Marriage changes passion... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege....Only a married person can get divorced.
I always thought music was more important than sex.
Then I thought, if I don't hear a concert for a year, it doesn't bother me.
Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls.
Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots.
My pregnant girlfriend reminds me of a burned cake. I wish I had removed it a minute earlier.
I only take a half of a Viagra pill. It's just enough so that I don't piss on my shoes.
I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
I wonder what God was thinking when he came up with the idea of pubic hair.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Remember the times when the air was clean and sex was dirty?
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If the shoe fits......buy it in every color.
Due to intense mind fog, all my thoughts have been grounded.
You make me hornier before 9 AM than most people do all day.
If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba The Hut?
Always do the right thing. This will gratify some and astonish the rest.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?
Don't criticize your wife...if she were perfect, she would have married much better than you.
There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
My ex-husband was temperamental: 90% temper and 10% mental.
To some its a six-pack, to me its a support group.
Are you going to be the cause of my next headache?
Body by Nautilus..brain by Mattel
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it...so I said Implants?
Hard work is its own reward, but wouldn't you rather have the money?
If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.
If I can be of any help . . . you're in worse shape than I thought.
A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project.
For Sale: Nordic Track, hardly used, call 555-1234, ask for Chubby.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, coughing, why-oh-why-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Bad spellers of the world untie!
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
I worry that the person who thought up Rap may be thinking up something else.
Sex is nobody's business except for the three people involved.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences ... He thought he was God and I didn't.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me.
Some days it feels like the whole world is a tuxedo and I'm a pair of brown shoes.
Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!.
Last night, the sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling.
Travel is very educational. I can now ask for Kaopectate in seven different languages.
You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
I clean my house every other day. Today is the other day.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Good sex can correct poor posture...or at least make it stand up straight.
I toss and turn for hours until I realize that making a salad isn't going to relax me.
She likes to be a bitch so much that it pisses her off when her period ends.
I bought a new boomerang but I can't seem to throw the old one away.
She's so cheap, she got a part time boob job.
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
We shouldn't expect educators to be entertaining, or entertainmeners to be educational.
I'm starting to think that I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive was in it.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the Hell happened!
I got a postcard from a blonde friend of mine. It said, Having a good time. Where am I?
My Dad was a workaholic. Everytime someone mentioned work, he got drunk.
Wealthy people miss one of life's greatest thrills...making the last car payment.
There are easier things in life than finding a good man... like nailing Jello to a tree, for instance.
If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples.
I won't argue with you because I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
For Sale: 1 Man, 7 woman hot tub, call 555-2583
When all men think alike, no one thinks very much.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
If you do something you'll regret in the morning, SLEEP TILL NOON!
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me send money.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.
Golf is a lot like sex. You don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
We wanted a house that looked lived in, so we bought all our furniture from the YMCA.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Being paranoid means never having to think that you're alone.
The shortest distance between two points is always under construction.
The only reason I take my wife anywhere is so I don't have to kiss her goodbye.
The difference between a blonde and a tree is, the tree knows when it's being cut down.
Shoot for the moon...even if you miss, you will land among the stars.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
The difference between earning a good living and living a good life, is enjoying what you do.
Travel is very educational. I can now say Kaopectate in seven different languages.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disabled teachers.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.
Speaking your mind ISN'T the same thing as using it.
A movie critic is like a legless man who teaches running.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding.
That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.
An Appendix is something found in the back of a book.
Sometimes they get inside people and have to be taken out.
Palindromes date all the way back to Eve.
If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?
Try a little kindness. As little as possible.
Just remember...You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but how much it's going to cost for them to do it.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
The bridges you cross before you come to them are over rivers that aren't there.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough
I am not single, I'm romantically challenged.
If you are living on the edge, make sure you are wearing your seatbelt!
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
JESUS LOVES YOU.....Everyone else thinks you're a twit.
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
I think I am getting to that awkward age. Too young for Medicare and too old for men to care.
I think I'm having amnesia and deja vu too. I'm sure that I've forgotten all this before.
My ex-wife's other car is a broom
Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!
If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while, I was a suspect.
The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it.
Home is a place where part of the family waits 'till the rest of the family brings the car back.
I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
Life is a test, and I didn't take very good notes.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised at how many re-enlist.
The meek shall inherit the earth, if that's OK with you...
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children cope with teenagers of their own!
People will follow your footsteps more readily than they will follow you advice.
The right angle from which to approach any problem is the TRY-angle.
How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?
My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?
The best exercise: reach down and pull somebody up.
The safest place during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
Microsoft is to software what McDonalds is to gourmet cooking.
Money can't buy happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
My parents were so poor, they got married for the rice.
Never argue with an idiot - folks might not be able to tell the difference.
Sterility is not hereditary.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Rugby is a game played by gentlemen with odd shaped balls.
Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius...
I told a friend my plan to attain World Peace, and he told me I have Schiffer Brains.
No one ever says It's only a game, when their team is winning.
I believe in safe sex...I've got a handrail around the bed.
Luck always seems to be against the person who depends on it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
The difference between champ and chump is U.
A mistake is simply another way of doing things.
The days of the digital watch are numbered.
Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Among the footprints in the sands of time, make sure yours aren't not the mark of a heel.
A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.
I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra? He's a little stiff now.
What do you call someone deported to Cuba? An illegal Elian.
I think I might be getting over my insomnia. The other day my foot fell asleep.
Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Power corrupts. Absolute power is sorta neat though.
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Among the footprints in the sands of time, make sure yours aren't not the mark of a heel.
A speech is like a bicycle wheel -- the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Did you hear about the midget that overdosed on Viagra? He's a little stiff now.
What do you call someone deported to Cuba? An illegal Elian.
I've got it made. I've got a wife and a TV set -- and they're both working.
We put the fun in dysfunctional.
There's a strange thing about memory... Damned if I can remember what it is.
Sign in a Pet Store: Buy one, get one flea.
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you exercise.
There's a big difference between good sound reasons, and reasons that sound good.
Midlife is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
A fool and his money are my best friends
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.
Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural things that money can buy.
I never turn my back on my friends, I don't trust them that much.
Midlife has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
She's so skinny...I've seen more meat on a cheeze sandwich.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Pandemonium doesn't reign here ... It pours!
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Men's brains are like the prison system ... not enough cells per man.
Things turn out best for those who make the best of the way things turn out.
If obstacles get in your way, do as the wind does ... whistle and go around them.
If cows could fly, everyone would carry an umbrella.
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade, would it go both ways?
It is a medically proven fact that people with the most birthdays live the longest!
I misplaced my dictionary...now I'm at a loss for words.
The difference between Niagara and Viagra is that Niagara Falls.
The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.
I graduated with a 4.0 ... Blood Alcohol level.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
AOL reminds me of an old girlfriend.
Just when I think the connection has been established, it suddenly says, Goodbye.
A pessimist is a man who feels that all women are bad...an optimist hopes so.
I gave up on Computing Dating after I was stood up by two mainframes, a PC, and a laptop.
There are two reasons why some folks don't mind their own business. No mind, No business.
The toughest part of a diet isn't watching what you eat. It's watching what other people eat.
The best measure of someone's honesty is the zero adjust on their bathroom scale.
Men are like TV Commericals...You can't believe a word they say.
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't get old, you will live to regret it.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. We must find this woman and stop her.
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Love is grand; divorce is ten grand.
I can't cut the mustard, but I can still lick the jar.
Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
Diarrhea is hereditary... it runs in your jeans
If there was a tax on sex, I'd be getting a hefty refund check.
It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach...especially if it belongs to your partner.
You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they don't need.
I feel like a 20-year-old. But there's never one around.
If your outgo exceeds your income, then your upkeep will be your downfall.
There is a tax on sex... it's called 'children'.
The only people who appreciate change are wet babies.
Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people.
If God had intended for me to run around naked, he would have made my skin fit better.
Have you ever noticed that if you're wearing tight shoes, you forget all about your problems?
Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
Every man needs a wife, because many things go wrong that he can't blame on the government.
Real women don't have hot flashes... they have power surges.
Men are like vacations...They never seem to last long enough.
In parts of the world, people still pray in the streets. In this country they're called pedestrians.
Middle age is that difficult period between adolescence and retirement when you have to take care of yourself.
A good marriage is like a casserole, only those responsible for it really know what goes in it.
I've tried all season to put my thumb on it, but perhaps the problem is bigger than my thumb.
If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
I, too, got too big for my britches, so I bought bigger britches.
Keep America beautiful ... properly dispose of your lawyer.
If you want the last word in an argument, say, You're right.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day, you're off of it.
I've wanted to run away from home more since I became a parent than when I was a child.
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Buy your lottery tickets the day after the drawing for half price.
You have just as much chance of winning.
I've decided to take a wife...I just haven't decided whose yet.
Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid...until she closed her curtains.
Miss Piggy's last words, I'm pink, therefore I'm ham.
Always believe a woman when she says: You don't want to know!
It's okay to be ugly...but aren't you overdoing it?
Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.
Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.
When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.
Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got.
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite.
Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
After Mama gave birth to 12 of us kids, we put her up on a pedestal.
It was mostly to keep Daddy away from her.
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!
It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents,... and the second half by our children.
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
It's not pretty being easy.
Smoking helps you lose weight ... one lung at a time!
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!
If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!
Not many people realize just how well known I am.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.
Bill Clinton ought to be able to serve another term. I think 10-to-20 would be appropriate.
On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.
She calls me her sixty second lover.
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
An Abstainer is a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
Love is a fire. Whether it will warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
Every teen-ager should get a high school education ... even if they already know everything
Some things that cost $5 to buy several years ago now costs $10 just to repair.
I live the same as I type: Fast and with lots of mistakes.
All the problems we face in North America today can be traced to
an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
Did any of you married people out there ever wonder whether
it's better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won?
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to steal a police car?
She saw 911 on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble
you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
My mother-in-law is very well informed. She can complain on any subject!
Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity
Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
In the pinball game of life, his flippers were a little further apart than most.
A really great salesman is one who can actually make his wife feel sorry
for the girl who lost her panties and bra in his car.
Notice on a conference-room door: Self-Assertiveness Course. Please Barge In.
If you want your children to listen to you, try talking softly to someone else.
It is important to stay cool, but be sure to not get frostbite.
Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
Whoever said the hand is quicker than the eye obviously never tried rolling them down a ramp.
Have you seen the new home surgery kit available via mail order? It's called Suture Self.
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
Everybody is ignorant... just on different subjects.
People tell me I'm childish but I think they're just being poopyheads.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.
The best way to get rid of a telemarketer is to ask them what they are wearing.
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
A computer will always do what you tell it to do ... but rarely what you want to do.
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
Why is one the loneliest number?
I've found that you can clear out a room even faster with a well-placed number two.
Youth is stranger than fiction
How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
On the internet nothing is illegal, its all e-legal...
Ever wonder what they call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?
April showers bring May flowers, and Mayflowers bring Pilgrims.
The definition of henpecked. : A sterile husband afraid to tell his pregnant wife.
There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
I told the guy at the auto-parts store I wanted a windshield wiper for my Yugo.
He said, That sounds like a fair exchange.
You're not completely worthless...I can at least use you as a bad example.
If my computer performs one more illegal operation, I'm going to report it to the authorities.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
The best way to escape from a problem is to solve it.
My Ex-wife's parents told her she could be anything she wanted to be. So she became a bitch.
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
Enough is enough...unless of course you're a nymphomaniac!
She hates sex in the movies. Tried it once and the seat folded up.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy afternoon.
I may have a vacuum between my ears, but a least it's better than nothing.
You're not a complete idiot... there are still some parts missing!
If winning isn't important then why keep score?
Life sucks, but Death swallows!
You can't go wrong with me... but you're welcome to try.
I fell in love at first sight. I should have looked twice.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said;
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Old is when the porn movie you bring home is Debby Does Dialysis.
The box said 'Requires Windows 98, or better.' So I bought a Macintosh.
Views expressed by husbands are not necessarily those of the management.
All men are different, but husbands are all alike
I'm not saying my wife is a terrible cook, but our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.
Being a husband is like any other job. It helps a lot if you like the boss.
I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
One of the side effects of Viagra is a headache. Every time I take a pill, my wife gets a headache.
I'm only attending school until it becomes available on CD-ROM.
90% of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at .
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
After our last argument, my wife told me:
I hope your next wife appreciates the improvements I've made in you.
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
May the roof above us never fall in and the friends below never fall out.
I'm Not 50. I'm $49.95 Plus Shipping & Handling
If speed scares you, try Windows...
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. it's too little to go by itself.
I just read that Prozac is no longer the No. 1 selling anti-depressant drug. That makes me feel sad.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.
Did you hear about the new 'morning after' pill for men ? It changes their blood type.
The Formula for a Happy Marriage: It's the same as the one for living in California: When you find a fault, don't dwell on it.
There are two kinds of people. Those who finish what they start and so on.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice President.
There are people in this world who do not love their fellow man... I hate people like that !
There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads We may never piss this way again.
When your IQ hits 80, sell.
There is nothing more uncommon than common sense
If someone calls me fat, I don't get angry. I just turn the other chin.
My wife complained about not being wanted, so I went to the post office and put up her picture.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
I told my date that she was like a fine wine...and I am like a corkscrew.
I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.
Have you heard about the new web site for people with dyslexia ? It's com.dyslexia.www.
My wife is so dumb...she thinks mutual orgasm is an insurance company.
Anatomy is something everyone has, it just looks better on a girl.
I stopped at two gas stations today. I robbed the first one so I could pay the second.
My wife could have had any man she pleased... she just couldn't please any of them.
I'm the head of the household, but my wife is the neck...
and the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move.
Some folks talk about killing time, while time is quietly killing them
I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.
My idea of cleaning the house is sweeping the floor with a glance.
I hate graffiti. In fact, I hate all Italian food.
Men... you can't live with them, you can't have hetrosexual sex without them.
In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
I'm a Raggedy Ann in a Barbie doll world.
My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
Many women who think they have purchased a dress for a ridiculous price, have actually bought it for an absurd figure.
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
Celibacy is not hereditary.
If it's not going according to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
It isn't that life is short. It's that death is so long.
I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me.
Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.
Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.
Take my advice. I'm not using it!
Did you hear about the self help group for compulsive talkers? It's called On & On Anon.
The definition of an optimist is a woman who loads up the CD changer before making love.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
A diplomat is a person who thinks twice before he says nothing.
My wife's version of money laundering is cleaning out my pockets every night while I am asleep.
My attention isn't hard to get. But it *is* hard to keep...
Everyone in the office is sick. Apparently, it is a staff infection.
If life gives you llamas, make llamanade.
Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered ?
Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Love doesn't make the world go 'round, but it does make the ride worthwhile.
Nature invented sex as a reward for letting go of childhood.
Man cannot live by bread alone. He also needs a roll of duct tape and a can of WD-40.
I believe that dust protects furniture.
Diplomacy is letting someone else have your way.
People are like tea bags. They don't realize their strength until they are in hot water.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Getting to work on time only makes the day longer.
A fool and his honey are soon parted.
I'm Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Boldly Going Nowhere
Don't Be Sexist -- Broads Hate That
If all brides are beautiful, where do ugly wives come from ?
Every time I try to make my marriage more exciting, my wife finds out about it right away.
A happily married man is one who understands every word which his wife didn't say.
A penny saved is a Governmental oversight.
10 out of 5 doctors feel it's OK to be skitzo
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
Sometimes I need what only you can provide - Your absence.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
There's no sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, you must be using Windows.
The only time Success comes before Work is in the dictionary.
New and Improved TIDE now has LSD. In each box, you get a trip to the Laundromat.
Even rarer than a doctor who can't stand the sight of blood
Is a lawyer who can't stand the sight of money.
Did you hear about the blonde that thought an innuendo is an Italian suppository ?
The trouble with some self-made men is that they worship their creator.
'Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.
God gave men muscles because he gave women strength.
The best person for a job is generally the one that understands it enough to not want it.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who's totally free for the weekend !
Nostalgia is a device that removes the ruts and the potholes from Memory Lane.
I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport !
The golden years: When actions creak louder than words.
There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that twenty years or so won't cure.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
The closest thing he had to a brainstorm, was a slow drizzle.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
Everyone believes in heredity until their children act like fools.
I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong, and she agrees with me.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Lots of men are homeless, but some are home less than others.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
I am reading a very interesting book about anti-gravity...I just can't put it down.
I'm so old that, when I was in school, history was called current affairs.
Practice makes perfeckt.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
Flirt: A woman who thinks it's every man for herself.
I think, therefore I'm single.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
Nothing is more wasted than a smile on the face on a Playboy centerfold.
Seen on a bumper sticker: I'm as happily married as a husband can get.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.
My new secretary must be absent minded.
She left her clothes at the office and took me to the cleaners.
'Tis better to have loved and lost, than marry a woman you can't defrost.
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me.
After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
As smile is a curve that can set things straight.
I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost.
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, YOU were the quickest one.
You cannot take charge of the present if you are busy reliving the setbacks of the past.
My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, Mom, go for it !
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
As the Jolly Green Giant could tell you, there's nothing like a good pea.
Some girls get minks the same way minks get minks.
Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to who can't.
The Ford Motor Company is unveiling a car with a body entirely made of plastic.
I believe they're calling it the Cher.
My mind is like concrete: thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence, but it still has to be mowed.
Dieter's lament: A waist is a terrible thing to mind!
My husband is always online trying to find useless facts. I'm afraid he is an infomaniac.
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror... with a cop in it.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
In life, you have two choices: get over it or die with it on your mind.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
Did you expect mere proof to sway my opinion?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
I descended from a very long line that my mother foolishly listened to.
Have you seen the latest Jane Fonda video ? It's called Didn't Work Out.
A smile is like tight underwear...it makes your cheeks go up.
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
Some people are in debt because they spend what their friends think they make.
Life is like a play. It's not its length, but its performance that counts.
I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
Life takes it's toll. Have exact change ready !
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
If you're the low man on the totem pole, just remember... If it wasn't for you the whole damn thing would fall over.
If you are what you eat, I'm dead meat.
Last night our high school band played Beethoven. Beethoven lost, 12 to 7.
Health plans are like hospital gowns...You only think you're covered.
If men had to clean their own bathrooms, we'd already have disposable toilets.
You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can take you to a lot more places to look for it.
A friend told me, he needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
A married man should forget his mistakes;
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Life is sexually transmitted.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have.
George Washington's brother was the uncle of our country.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing...
and then marry him.
It's amazing how your kids stop coming back home once they get their own washer and dryer.
I just want to put onions in your pants and cry myself to sleep
Your child has started growing up when he stops asking you where he came from and starts refusing to tell you where he's going.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick and your son starts to wipe it off!
The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast
Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years
Someday you will get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.
The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.
You can only be young once, but you can Confusionism and so called One Liners a few bottom liners and many lines of thought that are just plain wrong. You are a rare individual for true if you don't find find yourself laughing, it may very well be a "guilty pleasure" one that might be a surprise to you. If you wish to avoid unpleasant scrolling, for your viewing pleasure all the many lines of text on this page will eventually be played by the sedated javascript above, YMMV.
Confusion say:
Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.
wake up with solution in hand More One Liners
Outstanding leaders appeal to the hearts of their followers, not their minds.
- Thich Nhat Hanh
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.